2012-09-25
2012-10-03
x COMW

PROGRAM
The Colbert Report 20
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 19
STATION
COMW 39
DATE
Sep 28th (Fri) 8
Sep 27th (Thu) 8
Oct 2nd (Tue) 7
Sep 25th (Tue) 6
Sep 26th (Wed) 6
Sep 29th (Sat) 2
Oct 1st (Mon) 2
LANGUAGE
English 39
TOPIC
obama 28
stephen 26
romney 17
jon 13
libya 11
u.n. 11
mitt romney 10
barack obama 8
iran 8
israel 8
jon stewart 6
aloha 5
arkansas 5
brian cranston 5
christopher hitchens 5
florida 5
( more )

Set Clip Length:

COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 26, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 26, 2012


was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toa
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 27, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 27, 2012


law! and you know who i blame? barack obama. (laughter) oh, i have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to islamic extremists. well, now the chicken shawarma has come home to roost-- in a catastro-pita. during the past arab spring obama let radical imams lead an uprising against our radical friends in the middle east. >> you go back to the beginning of the arab spring and this administration did everything in its power to dislodge two key u.s. allies-- hosni mubarak and moammar qaddafi. knowing the replacements would be muslim brotherhood and other islamists. >> well, it's a new-- if they knew that i am angrier than i am now. >> stephen: oh my-- oh, my god! sean hannity is capable of being angrier at any given moment than he actually is at that moment! (laughter) he has torn a rift in the space-anger continuum! (laughter) folks, obama's complete lack of loyalty to our murderous dictator allies doesn't just enrage me-- and the loud hole at the top of sean hannity's neck-- it also is raising a red flag for texas congressman and forehead american louie gohmert. jim? >> thank
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Oct 1, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Oct 1, 2012


and they are going all out preparing. >> president obama and governor mitt romney are preparing for wednesday's debate on in denver. >> msnbc obama's leaving on sunday for two or three days of debate camp. >> oh, debate camp! >> oh i remember going to debate camp, i remember like no sports, a bitter rival, camp normal malfun. >> let's see if i remember the debate camp stopping if i can. ♪ >> on the shores of lake rhetoric, we practiced logical consistency. will beat your ad hominem attacks on false tautologies. and logical falsie. >> not in the face! not in the face! getting your ass kick is actually written into the song! >> so two highly accomplished men to see which one becomes the most powerful man in the free world. >> romney has to be chomping at the bits. >> beth myers tells campaign surrogates there are several reasons she believes the president will be likely to win the first debate. >> he has done these kind of debates before, this is mitt's first time on this kind of a stage. >> oh! >> maybe he is more on home at the vegas stage. >> r rated hypnotists or two gay germans trying
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 28, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 28, 2012


, applesauce and low fat milk. oooh. why is this news? >> new guidelines thanks to michelle obama, michelle obama school lunch calorie limits. >> michelle obama nutritional school lunches. >> jon: oh, man, oh, right, that's right. because this isn't really about food or kids. it's about big government uber thanny michelle obama who if she said we feed clean air half the country would demand gills because freedom! listen the complaint. >> the usda shouldn't be deciding how many calories we take or how many calories we expend during the day. at some point it personal responsibility, i'm talking about. >> jon: this is america, jack. just because uncle sam is buying me lunch doesn't mean he request tell me what to eat-- he can tell me what to eat. by the way, how do you feel about this. >> the issue should you be able to use, be allowed to use an abd card i food stamp card at a mcdonald's. >> i would rather have my tax dollar going a family buying stuff at costco and bulk. >> jon: right, because this is america, jack! if uncle sam is paying for the meal, uncle sam gets to tell where you to eat.
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 25, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 25, 2012


their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon: yeah, he's got a busy schedule! (laughter) he can't just be meeting every world leader willy-nilly! (laughter) just because he's not meeting them face to face doesn't mean he's not filled with high level strategic room defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audience reacts) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 26, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 26, 2012


defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audience reacts) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well, we do provide care for people who don't have insurance. we pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care and different states have different ways of providing for that care. (laughter) >> jon: unless-- normally he would be in trouble unless that incumbent president is running against the guy who just appeared to suggest that we don't need to do a health care plan for uninsured americans because we have emergency r
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 27, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 27, 2012


republican in ohio said that obama's advantage on the auto bailout is quote a kick in the captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. what can i say, i, i would have any one of you guard my fountain. (laughter) if anyone did that, and i don't think anybody does that. kind of a stupid job. (laughter) nation, now nation, we got to do this. nation, i'm a humble man. and i will shout that from the mountaintop. (laughter) so i don't like talking about myself. but i've got no choice. we're in a national crisis here. we need to rebuild this country's greatness. well, ladies and gentlemen, i have the blueprints-- no, scratch that. i have the red, white and blueprints. (applause) because this tuesday, october 2nd, i will release my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never were
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 25, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 25, 2012


, a lot of unrest and anger in the middle east this past week. the condemnation of obama has been swift and furious >> this leading from behind obama doctrine is up in flames >> terrorists believe they can attack our embassy with impunity, they believe the killr ambassador and there will be no response >> how much longer can we afford to spill our blood and treasure trying to, quote unquote, promote democracy in places that do not have any values for civilized society. >> jon: yes. democracy promotion is wrong. that's a somewhat isolationist position, ex-governor palin. does anyone see our role in the world differently? yes, you 2008 still governor palin >> i see our role in the world as one of being a force for good, to help these rising smaller democratic countries that are just, you know, they're putting themselves on the map right now >> jon: what a bold freedom agenda. it's a little bit naive. i mean, think of the blow-back >> egyptians elected a muslim brotheredhood member to head their country. let's not forget. this is very first place in the middle east that president obama pro
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 25, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 25, 2012


is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always hated change. that's why i'm solidly against transformers, shrinky-dinks and air caterpillars. (laughter) and don't tell me you've always felt like a butterfly trapped in a lava's body, it's unnatural. (laughter) folks, i was truly upset when i heard my favorite newspaper, the "u.s.a. today" was getting a dramatic redesign. turns out i was worrying for nothing because, in a digital e
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 28, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 28, 2012


diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind. so there's hope. (laughter) in fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it. mitt isn't talking about it. last week when a reporter asked him if he was going to start campaigning harder r
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 24, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 24, 2012


, this is a triumph! because mitt nailed it! obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applause). give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated, let me put it that way. i'm speaking of
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 24, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 24, 2012


at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media cleverly disguised as conservative media. >> romney stuck his foot in his mouth. he shou
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Oct 1, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Oct 1, 2012


's proposed 20% across account board tax cut. >> the obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion over ten years, true? >> not in the least bit true. >> stephen: true, not true, who cares? (laughter) it's over ten years. romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> stephen: great answer. (laughter) why-- (cheers and applause) great answer why is it a gre
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Sep 26, 2012
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Sep 26, 2012


from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. an
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 27, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 27, 2012


the obama administration. (audience reacts) and have real refs and real leaders fix this-- >> jon: what the hell? how did you combine the-- you can tie any situation, i guess, into that. "you know, i'm glad jerry sandusky is going to prison. but you know the person really raping america's children is president obama with his unfunded mandates." (cheers and applause) for more on the n.f.l. labor dispute we go now to senior correspondent john oliver outside n.f.l. headquarters in new york. john, what is the status right now of the n.f.l. dispute? >> well! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> who families both alike in dignity, one the referee, the other the league of national football is locked in dispute ages old. oh fair referees! (laughter) shirts bestripes arms akimbo with only a flag and wheus toll examine desperation and fair n.f.l. battered but unbowed like henri at agincourt from this day to the ending of the world! (cheers and applause) but we shall be remembered. we few, we happy few, we band of brothers! (cheers and applause) >> jon: my god. my god. that's-- (cheers a
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 24, 2012
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Sep 24, 2012


years is this now. >> eight. >> here is what is going to be, you are going to there, president obama is going to be there. mitt romney is going to be there. condoleezza rice is going to be there. egyptian president mohammed morse sygoing to be there. how do you get knees people... what kind of food do you serve? how do you get a group like this together in cooperation to move forward? what's the pitch? >> and the leader of libya is going to be there. and the american people will hear from him that he really liked the american ambassador who was killed. and that they tried to save his life. and that he wants america to stay there. >> jon: right. >> so there are a lot of interesting things. but we started doing this, they come because it's at the opening of the u.n.. a lot of them are going to be in new york. we invite them all to come. we invite many of them to participate. ellen general son turley, nobel prize winning president of liberia, a good friend of mine, she has been to a lot of our programs, a lot of these people come year in, year out. the secretary-general of the u.n. and

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